Thursday, July 11, 2013

Heart in two places

Warning - dark thoughts ahead

Yeah.. so.. Traveling. And not just traveling but living emotionally between two countries. Sometimes it's easy and trouble free but as the years go by it becomes a pain that never really goes away. People ask me if we're going to stay in Australia when we're in here and every time i'm at home in Finland people ask the same thing and i can tell that at least a couple of them REALLY want us back. What do i say other than i don't know? Sure i'd love to be back more often but that would be a financial suicide and living in Finland is not a choice for me right now. Not sure if i want to live in Australia forever either but that's where we're at now and i need to accept that. Living between two cultures is not simple and i'm starting to think i have no home anymore or more maybe that i'm rootless. Don't really belong to either culture. Generally the way for me to know where i'm at with that depends on which end of the flight i cry of joy as we're landing. Last time it was Melbourne. One before that Helsinki. Go figure.

Once the idea of going back home has filled me with hope and joy i cannot stop it from taking over and therefore i create unnecessary expectations and scenarios that in broad daylight are not possible. That evidently sets me up for a huge disappointment at the other end, one which takes time and hours of hard work to let go and forget. And not only that. I seem to think that now that i see some problems a lot clearer that i used to, others would see them the same way too. So obviously wrong. Sometimes being far away from home lets my mind wonder to the things i thought were wrong over the years to slowly start working on them.. and as much as i am result-orientated i can't expect other people to change their ways just because their behavior might be hurting someone else. No one ever sees it when their ways need a serious re-evaluation or when they've fallen into such a depressive slump that they require others to lift them out of it.

But yes.. disappointment. That old friend. Will i ever learn to take things as they come and stop setting myself up for a failure? Or is that just who i am?

/end thoughts, end tears